Red Porsche Is My Maroon Golf.

On May 14, 1998, the nation united to watch the much anticipated series finale of the show about nothing, Seinfeld. About 4 minutes into the finale, I knew that for me the real series final had actually aired one week earlier, on May 7th. In my opinion “The Puerto Rican Day” was the last genuine Seinfeld episode and the true series finale. This episode featured each of the characters at their finest—even Kal Varnsen, H.E. Pennypacker, and Art Vandelay made appearances. This episode also introduced one final nemesis to Jerry and his Black Saab: Maroon Golf.

This episode introduced a new concept to me, the combining of driver and vehicle to become a single entity. Maroon Golf was the combination character of a vehicle (a maroon VW Golf) and a driver (in this case, comedian Mario Joyner). From that point on, I’ve designated my share of freeway foes in a similar fashion. And for the past couple of weeks the same dude has pestered me nearly every day: Red Porsche.

First let me say that his vanity plate is the biggest oxymoron ever: UNDRADR. Pa-leeze Red Porsche! Seriously, you couldn’t be more over radar here in good old West Jordie. Other than the inaccurate license plate, Red Porsche is actually a fairly competent archrival. I mean, the guy’s a decent driver, he understands the rules of engagement for a quality game of cat and mouse, and our cars are fairly comparable performance-wise.

So on Thursday last week, I once again encountered Red Porsche on the way into work. I made sure I was right behind him as we merged on to the freeway. As soon as he was on the open road, he took off. Now there’s no way for a 2006 Cooper S to catch even a 1989 Carrera in a 0 to 60 scenario, or in this case a 45 to 85 scenario. But I’m patient, highly maneuverable, and I know that to succeed in a freeway game of cat and mouse—you’ve got to think of it like chess. You play 3 moves ahead.

Basically, I just drove pretty normal, using stratagem with each lane change. We exchanged leads a couple times. I knew all I needed to do was be about a car length away before “the curves”. Meanwhile, Red Porsche, made some clumsy moves and ended up behind a delivery truck putting him in perfect position for an old fashion smack down. As we drew nearer to the curves, I was right on his tail. I could tell he was accelerating just a bit too much into the first curve. I on the other hand did the usual: geared down to 5th and let off the gas, then as I entered the turn, and geared down to 4th. We were both in the outside lane. Then right at the sweet spot, I gunned it, changed to the inside lane, and sling-shotted right past him. Booyah.

Oh Red Porsche, when will you learn?

On a side note, Best Buy mislabeled the newly released DVD of Seinfeld’s 9th and final season today. It was supposed to be $29.99 and it was marked as $16.99. I actually brought it to their attention, but the pimple-faced “manager” shrugged and just asked me if I wanted it or not. Booyah.